You may have noticed my past 5 blogs have been about growing friendship with my friend Amy. It moved quickly and then spectacularly into becoming lovers against all the reasons the world tells you that a friendship between two people 28 years apart in age should. Being used to a single life, where you domestic actions didn’t have a lot of repercussions to being in a partnership saw me totally do some things that have unfortunately taken it from you are the greatest lover I have ever had and talk about moving in together to stop treating me like I am your mother in a period just greater than 24 hours.
Did we really love each other, yes we did, but I allowed my actions to move our relationship from our hearts to her head. I sit here writing this close to tears and I have cried about ten times in my 66 years, my parents once sent me to a phycologist to see why I couldn’t during my teenage years, it didn’t resolve anything and I am still a non-crier basically. The only thing that shifted it was the joy I felt in my love for Amy, I would be sitting on a railway station and feel tears of joy welling up, very un Rod Williams like.
My relationship consultant friend who is also a phycologist advised that we should not contact each other for 30 days as to go from the passion of a ten to the lesser feelings of friendship, say a three to a five we had to journey through our grief and sadness at to what we had lost, as moments this sacred are rare in people’s lives. I fight with the urge daily to break this especially when Amy contacted me. I wanted to write platitudes how I would do anything to get back together, but this is the act of 17-year-old first love. I must admit after 12 years it did feel a bit like this for me.
I realise I could write 1,000s of words what this woman means to me, I will journal them later, so what has the world said about relationship breakdowns and broken hearts over the years. Let’s have a look:
1. Oh, how I wished I could have stopped this occurring.
2. Oh, how my heart yearns for this: How Can You Mend A Broken Heart.
3. I love His Holiness quotes, but my heart does not want to agree with this one at all.
4. Crossed fingers, but it fucking hurts so much at the moment: Don’t Judge Me.
5. One of the things I did not do was break glass but forgetting to thank her most of the time was just as devastating.
6. And to me, it is you: My Immortal.
7. I am feeling this more and more as the pain slides away.
8. I am not ready for Amy to do that yet, I may not be responsible for my reaction in the emotional state I am in at the present: Run Through The Jungle.
9. This hurts in the I still love her zone.
10. I was the storm: Riders On The Storm.
11. I didn’t really do the second thing or did I, she has gone.
12. I lost in the first round: Street Fighting Man.
13. Ken oath.
14. We talked about our families a lot: We are Family.
15 And for our final lesson, well said Trent.
I spoke to a friend halfway through writing this for half an hour because I believe she has wisdom in this area. She advised me three things: 1. Take ownership for your part of the breakdown and look for the red flags that were there for it to happen. 2. Make agreements, keep them. If you are going to break them, communicate, communicate, communicate. 3. Take time to heal before you think about going back there, and do this day by day.
I am just doing these things now.
The playlist today is funk and rock and roll, we begin with the title track by The Bee Gees, then Chris Brown. Evanescence sneaks in this century’s rock track, then we go back in time to CCR, The Doors and the Rolling Stones. We complete with a ten minute epic by Chic and Sister Sledge, enjoy, it rocks: How can you mend a Broken Heart!!!
In my heartbreak, I have started a new tribe around my ethos Love and Respect for All, Everyone Included. It is called Thriving People – People who wish to make a difference to Humanity, my intention is a 1,000,000 people take up the challenge, here is the link to join, I would love you too: Thriving People.
Until we meet again my dear friends.